When my son was born in April 2017, I promised to develop into a full-time father till he turned 5. I used to be so severe about this dedication that I offered our largest rental property to liberate time. This property was purported to be our crown jewel for my spouse and my retirement plans. Nevertheless, one thing needed to give.
When my daughter was born in December 2019, I made the identical promise to stay a full-time father till she turned 5. Hooray for equality! That point is quickly coming as she lastly begins full-time faculty in September 2024. As I anticipate the transition from full-time to part-time fatherhood, I needed to replicate on what it has been like being a full-time father for over seven years.
However first, some clarification on the distinction between being a full-time versus part-time father.
The Definitions of Full-Time versus Half-Time Fatherhood
To start with, fathers will all the time be fathers, it doesn’t matter what. Nevertheless, similar to with work, some fathers work part-time, and others work full-time. There’s a spectrum of how we allocate our time to varied tasks.
My definition of full-time fatherhood is when a father spends extra time taking good care of his kids than he does on his job or different actions. For instance, if a father spends 40 hours every week taking good care of his three-year-old and 20 hours every week driving for Uber after his son goes to sleep, he’s a full-time father. This father spends 60 hours every week between fatherhood and facet hustling.
Conversely, a part-time father is a dad who spends extra time on his job or different actions than on taking good care of his youngsters. He would possibly work 40 hours every week at an workplace job after which spend 2 hours along with his youngsters after work and 15 hours every week with them on the weekend, for a complete of 25 hours every week of kid time. That is an extended 65 hours every week of labor and childcare for this dad!
Each Varieties Of Fathers Can Be Nice
Primarily based on these two examples, it is clear each fathers are doing plenty of work to care for his or her kids and earn earnings. All fathers have what’s known as a Supplier’s Clock, the place they’re conditioned to offer to various levels.
Additionally it is clear that being a part-time father just isn’t a adverse. Most dads work full-time to handle their household. In the meantime, spending 25 hours every week with their kids is way more than the common dad in America spends along with his kids every week (~10 hours).
Clearly, in the event you’re a bodily and mentally ready father who does not work a lot and does not spend time together with your youngsters, that can in all probability be seen negatively. Nevertheless, I do not imagine any father studying this website would select to shirk each work and childcare tasks.
Once you select to be a father, you additionally select to tackle the huge duty of fatherhood. On the very least, all fathers will select to go all-in on their work at the price of spending time with their youngsters, or go all-in on childcare at the price of earning profits. Each choices might engender dad guilt as the daddy tries to search out a great stability.
Important Aim: To Give Males Permission To Be Full-Time Fathers
I do know there are males on the market who’ve thought of being full-time fathers however are nervous in regards to the transition as a result of monetary worries and societal judgment. My aim is to provide males permission and confidence to be full-time fathers in the event that they need to.
Simply have a look at this chart from the U.S. Census Bureau that reveals solely about 2% of fathers are stay-at-home dads in comparison with about 23% of girls who’re stay-at-home moms.
I am constructive if fathers felt much less monetary strain to offer and society was extra accepting of full-time fathers, the proportion could be a lot nearer to the proportion of girls who’re full-time moms.
Be Who You Need To Be To Really feel Complete
Occasions are altering, with extra girls attending school than males and extra girls incomes larger salaries than males. But, partly due to the male ego, the variety of full-time fathers has barely budged since 1994. Males nonetheless really feel embarrassed to be labeled as having the toughest job on this planet.
This lack of self-confidence is why you see males who proclaim FIRE (Monetary Independence, Retire Early) however by no means point out their working wives who present earnings, retirement advantages, and well being advantages. There’s additionally an excellent worry of letting their wives cease working, given the monetary implications.
Pretending to be one thing you are not is a tragic technique to dwell. With the ability to communicate your thoughts and be who you need to be are among the strongest advantages of economic independence. This freedom to dwell one’s true self can also be probably the greatest causes for residing in San Francisco, the place there’s a higher acceptance of individuals of every kind.
Reflections on Being a Full-Time Father
For any present or future fathers contemplating staying at residence to lift their youngsters, let me share some perspective on the way you would possibly really feel as a full-time father in the course of the first three years of your kid’s life.
I exploit the three-year mark as a result of most households have the choice of sending their youngsters to preschool by then, though daycare can also be a typical childcare possibility.
For many daycare facilities, infants can begin as younger as six weeks. Nevertheless, extra time permits for the institution of a safe attachment together with your little one, full therapeutic of the umbilical twine, determining feeding and sleep patterns, creating a stronger immune system, and adjusting to a brand new life collectively.
1) There isn’t a more durable job than full-time parenthood
For those who’re a brand new dad, the challenges could be overwhelming. From bottle-feeding and diaper adjustments to burping, napping, and fixed dishwashing, elevating a child retains you busy. The primary yr may additionally be sleep-deprived as your baby wakes up each two to 4 hours.
After I labored in banking, the hours have been lengthy and the stress was immense. Nevertheless, there have been all the time breaks the place I might unwind over espresso, a meal, or a enterprise journey. Attending conferences abroad was a lot enjoyable! Regardless of working ~60 hours every week, that also left 108 hours to sleep and do no matter.
In full-time fatherhood, the hours can usually attain 12-14 hours a day, or 84-98 hours every week in the course of the preliminary years. You may attempt to nap when your baby is sleeping, however there isn’t any assure you’ll sleep.
In the meantime, the price of trying away for greater than three seconds might end in harm or worse on your little one. From the paranoia of Sudden Toddler Loss of life Syndrome (SIDS) to drowning to slipping and bashing their heads on a desk’s sharp edge, the stakes are a lot larger for a full-time father or mother if they are not doing their job.
If I miss a cellphone name from a big consumer, no huge deal. I can all the time name my consumer again or electronic mail them. However there may not be any approach again in the event you look away from a toddler.
Put together on your limits to be examined repeatedly
If you wish to be a full-time father, you should mentally and bodily put together for the final word problem. Learn as many books as you possibly can about parenthood. Study parenting strategies that require persistence, understanding, and love. Get in one of the best form of your life to maintain up together with your kids’s limitless vitality.
The primary three years will push you to your limits. We’re speaking doubtlessly 6 am – 9:30 pm nearly every single day. You’ll hear screaming, crying, and whining a number of occasions a day for over 1,000 days in a row. Because of this, your nerves will fry. Get noise-canceling headphones that will help you survive your days!
2) You’ll have a more durable time becoming in and feeling welcome
Once you take your baby to the playground on weekdays, you’ll probably be the one dad amongst a majority of mothers and nannies. Primarily based on my observations in San Francisco, roughly 40% of the first caregivers are mothers, 55% are nannies or au pairs, and 5% are dads.
When the ladies are chatting about feeding and and different childcare matters, you’ll probably not be included. Therefore, you’ll have to make an effort to get to know the opposite mothers, nannies, and au pairs in the event you’re trying to make associates. As your child grows older, you will see them recurrently as a result of weekly courses. Therefore, it would be good to get to know them considerably.
For those who attend any Dad’s Night time Out occasions, you may additionally really feel embarrassed initially. Whereas different dads talk about their careers and enterprise journeys, speaking about your day together with your kids would possibly really feel awkward. Regardless of altering gender roles, there’s an ongoing machismo amongst dads which will make you’re feeling uncomfortable.
You may both lean into your full-time fatherhood function or point out different work endeavors you’re pursuing. As a father, you possibly can’t discuss enjoying pickleball all day, as some mothers proudly do. As a substitute, you should talk about some exercise that gives worth to society and earns cash.
Took some time to be snug proudly owning my standing as a stay-at-home dad
For me, as soon as my son began attending preschool full-time at age 4 in 2021, I advised individuals I used to be a author since I used to be engaged on Purchase This, Not That. I might have mentioned I used to be a full-time father, however I didn’t partly as a result of I needed to raised slot in. I additionally did not need to make dads really feel awkward for being part-time fathers.
Fortunately, after a couple of yr of being a stay-at-home dad, your confidence will develop. As a substitute of feeling misplaced, you will embrace your function as a major caregiver extra strongly. As you wait on your confidence to develop, be happy with your standing as a stay-at-home dad. Caring full-time for a weak baby is a noble factor to do.
3) You may lengthy to return to work for a break from full-time fatherhood
With no direct earnings coming in on your labor as a full-time father, you might really feel extra pressured at occasions, particularly in case your spouse does not earn a lot or does not work.
Because of this, you will regularly ask your self when you need to return to work. You may do the mathematics relating to the price of daycare/preschool versus the price of not working in your profession.
The temptation to earn if you are nonetheless comparatively younger will probably overwhelm your want to stay a full-time father, so you’ll probably transition to part-time fatherhood as soon as your little one turns three.
At three years previous, you might gleefully or reluctantly begin sending your child to preschool full-time. For those who solely have one little one, you’ll then really feel a powerful duty to return to work and earn once more, even when your spouse is working.
Nevertheless, when you have a number of kids, you’ll naturally need to provide the identical quantity of childcare as you probably did on your first little one, if potential. Therefore, with two kids, you might find yourself gutting it out as a full-time father for six years. With three kids, your full-time fatherhood function might lengthen to 9 years.
After 9 years of being a full-time father, you’ll have a troublesome time going again to work that pays you an identical wage to the one you left.
4) You’ll usually really feel such as you’re not doing sufficient as a full-time father
One of the vital irritating issues about full-time fatherhood is that irrespective of how a lot you do, you’ll usually really feel such as you’re not doing sufficient. I am positive full-time moms really feel the identical approach, as there may be an limitless quantity of offering to do.
For the primary two years of your kid’s life, you might really feel like second fiddle to their mom. This can be true irrespective of how a lot time you spend with them. There’s one thing about rising a toddler in your womb for 9 months and birthing a toddler that creates an unbreakable bond between mom and little one.
You may really feel daggers in your coronary heart when your kids select to play with their mom over you. The extra time you spend together with your kids, the extra the rejection will damage.
Fortunately, after our children turned three-and-a-half, there was extra of a stability of affection. So for full-time fathers on the market who really feel unloved now and again, maintain the religion that issues will get higher.
Your spouse or associate will not all the time really feel reduction or happiness
In your distinctive scenario as a full-time father, you might usually really feel such as you’re doing greater than your fair proportion of childcare in comparison with different fathers. Because of this, you would possibly count on your spouse or associate to really feel happier and fewer pressured than different moms.
Sadly, your spouse or associate will nonetheless really feel sad or pressured now and again as a result of there are limitless childcare duties she additionally must deal with. If she additionally has a full-time job, her stress will persist because it’s arduous to not convey work residence. Her unhappiness and stress will bum you out since you hoped to alleviate her from such burdens as a full-time father.
Moreover, your spouse or associate might solely know what it is prefer to have a full-time father as a husband or associate and nothing else. Due to this fact, she might not recognize your efforts as a lot as you count on, resulting in mismatched expectations and potential battle.
Full-time fathers should decrease their expectations and remind themselves that being a father is a responsibility that does not deserve particular recognition. In spite of everything, they selected to be a father.
Extra importantly, full-time fathers might persistently overestimate how a lot they really do. This overestimation of care was my largest blind spot as a father.
Regardless of being a stay-at-home dad, my spouse nonetheless does far more than I do. I’ve the posh of not having to deal with nights, which is a blessing as a result of our children are horrible sleepers. After I need to nap after lunch, I can, as a result of my spouse is all the time residence. Moreover, we had the great assist of Silvia, our au pair, in the course of the pandemic.
5) Witnessing your kid’s milestones will make your efforts really feel value it
At this level, you would possibly assume being a full-time father feels like an excessive amount of work. Fortunately, witnessing all of your kid’s growth milestones is the best return of all.
You’ll witness the whole lot out of your child’s first babble to their first rollover. Wonderful! Then, round eight months previous, you will be so proud when your little one lastly sits up on their very own. At round ten months previous, nothing will probably be as exhilarating as seeing your almost-toddler crawl to you for the primary time. After which, after they stand at across the one-year mark and begin cruising alongside the couch, you’ll have the largest proud dad second ever.
Every milestone you witness will erase your doubts about giving up your profession and earnings. After about ten classes of attempting to show my son the best way to bike, listening to him scream with pleasure, “I can do it!” was priceless. The quantity of satisfaction I felt seeing his triumph was value greater than any year-end bonus I made on Wall Avenue.
Now think about throughout bedtime when your little one, out of the blue, says, “Thanks for spending the day with me, Daddy. I really like you.” That is once you really feel a healthful sort of priceless love.
If You Need To Be A Full-Time Father, Strive It Out
Embracing the function of a full-time father comes with its fair proportion of challenges, however you will probably discover it a rewarding resolution.
Sure, your loved ones will in all probability have much less cash with one much less working associate. I gave up many earnings alternatives to remain at residence. On the identical time, I discovered methods to generate supplemental earnings by Monetary Samurai and my books. You’ll rationally discover a technique to earn on the facet as nicely if you wish to.
For older dad and mom, turning into a full-time father can also be a good way to make up for misplaced time. One in all my largest regrets was having youngsters late. By spending extra time with them earlier than they go away the home, you possibly can compensate on your late begin.
Someday round ages 10-12, you will now not be their superhero as they will favor to spend time with associates. Due to this fact, you might have about 10-12 years to be a full-time father earlier than this chance fades away.
If Full-Time Fatherhood Is Not For You
For those who resolve throughout your journey that full-time fatherhood just isn’t for you, you possibly can all the time transition again to being a part-time father. Being away from the workforce for one to 3 years is not too lengthy, contemplating that many workers return to graduate faculty for 2 years and sometimes come again with higher-paying jobs.
This mindset additionally gave me the braveness to retire early in 2012 at 34. I reasoned that if early retirement did not swimsuit me or if I wanted the earnings, I might have simply discovered one other job at age 35, 36, or 37.
With the rise of consulting alternatives, you possibly can steadily shift extra of your waking hours towards work and fewer towards childcare as your kids get older.
For example, as soon as my daughter began attending preschool three days every week in fall 2023, I devoted extra time to writing for Monetary Samurai and finishing my second guide with Portfolio Penguin.
The Satisfaction That You Tried
Sadly, you’re unlikely to really feel happier as a full-time father because of the quantity of labor, stress, second-guessing, and persistence concerned! Nevertheless, as soon as your youngsters attend faculty full-time, you’ll really feel happy figuring out you tried your greatest.
As well as, how cool it’s that your spouse can by no means criticize you for not being there for the children or doing sufficient across the family for the remainder of your life! Whoo hoo!
Our youngsters will someday go off on their very own, leaving us to ponder how shortly time flew by. Hopefully, someday as adults, they will recognize their childhoods and on a regular basis we spent with them. When that day comes, you will understand all of your effort was worthwhile.
My Transition To Half-Time Fatherhood
With my transition to part-time fatherhood in September 2024, I must fill the 40-hour void with extra productive work. Roughly 15 hours every week will probably be devoted to writing for Monetary Samurai, and 5 hours will probably be put aside for my sports activities hobbies, leaving me with 20 hours every week to generate lively earnings.
This lively earnings is essential to complement my passive funding earnings and canopy my shortfall in desired residing bills. It additionally serves to resume my sense of function now that my fatherhood tasks have lessened.
Earlier this yr, I experimented with part-time consulting, however it did not work out as deliberate. The workload exceeded the agreed-upon 20 hours per week. Nonetheless, this expertise has offered me with worthwhile insights into what to hunt as soon as I’ve extra free time.
To all the lads on the market aspiring to be full-time fathers, give it a go! Don’t fret about societal judgments. Finally, comply with your coronary heart and pursue what holds true which means for you. Your youngsters will develop up sooner than you understand!
Reader Questions About Fatherhood
Are there another full-time fathers on the market? For those who’re at the moment a part-time father, have you ever ever considered transitioning to full-time fatherhood? What’s holding you again?
How do you reconcile the truth that by the point you would possibly need to be a full-time father, your kids might already be in class full-time and extra involved in spending time with associates?
Do you assume there’s a greater hybrid method for fathers to stability childcare and earnings era successfully?
Advice If You Need To Be A Full-Time Father
For those who’re trying to develop into a full-time father, attempt to get laid off with a severance bundle as a substitute of quitting your job. This manner, you will have a monetary runway to be a full-time father with out as a lot monetary anxiousness.
My bestselling guide, How To Engineer Your Layoff, teaches you the best way to break away from a job you now not like with a severance bundle. Use the code “saveten” at checkout to save lots of $10.
To expedite your journey to monetary freedom, be a part of over 60,000 others and subscribe to the free Monetary Samurai e-newsletter. Monetary Samurai is among the many largest independently-owned private finance web sites, established in 2009.
